i can't say it like i feel it.

i finally cried. i shouldn't care as much as i do so i consider screaming into my pillow to distract my brain. you don't want all of me. my body cringes involuntarily and spontaneous tears end as quickly as they came. i've ruined it for myself. i've ruined how people think about me. i wonder how and if they trust me. i only sort of care that people view me a certain way. its another mechanism for tearing myself down, having a rep for misdeeds and immaturity. don't worry, i know how bad all of this looks and sounds. i wonder how many people i've separated myself from. but please don't leave me world! i only do any of it to feel more, feel more of everything and everyone. i discover i'm so numb i would almost consider running too fast into something just to have some sort of sensory and emotional experience.