the escape

I have forgotten about this thing. I have missed it maybe, i'm not sure. But i think it helps me to write these things down. So i will begin yet again.

The pull to change and to develop and to explore is coming again to me. It has been over three years since I have moved to Seattle, a little over a year since shifting from school life to working life, and as I am now feeling settled, of course i feel the need to change again.

Every move or change or intentional shift in my life has thus far come with a 'reason', be it school or family or school again. Now i imagine the only thing that would be 'reason' enough would be marriage, dating, better job, etc. It doesn't seem like enough to list boredom, or restlessness or ? as a reason to pick up my life and move.

Where would I even go? I have no idea. Sometimes i feel i would like to be nearer to certain friends, other days i feel like running away from anyone who knows me to re-invent myself in some way. It seems like a scary and stupid idea, impractical from every angle, but most inklings usually do. Who's to say that my desire to escape my life here is not driven by some simple prompting from God, or desire to fulfill myself somehow? (and if it is so, don't i have an obligation to listen to it?) I struggle to understand the difference between those personal promptings and mere whims of fancy that i am so prone to having and subsequently obsessing over.

when i get down to the logistics i of course have panic attacks just doing exploratory searches for housing and jobs in potential future cities. These anxieties of course signal nothing, as i often have them over much more trivial things. Life is full of trials, big and small, mostly small for me, although i make them big.

To move on or not to move on is the current question. And if so, when? It may all come to naught if i just postpone it long enough. I'm sure i'll find something else to drum up some angst or drama about.