driving in the pouring rain, belting it out to sad sad songs.

i love sad music. almost exclusively. I don't even like peppy hymns at church. i enjoy a good cry almost as much as a good laugh. When i'm alone i indulge in sad thoughts. Do i do it to express them so they don't come out when with others? Is it self preservation? that seems slightly more healthy, yet it's still a little twisted. Today i brought myself to tears, real ones, just imagining a tragic and beautiful story. the other day i listened to sad music until i cried.

i've been impressed with my ability to cope with recent events. perhaps this is how i'm doing it. i have a compulsion to feel intense emotions. I feel sadness and tragedy most intensely, so perhaps this is how i'm getting my fill. in the absence of happy thoughts, i pluck at my own heartstrings to feel something, anything.

i've said it here before: world, i just want to experience you. i just want to feel all of it. i want to love all of you. i want to partake of all of you have to offer. i want to touch, feel, share and give all of it. i want to be afraid, excited, fierce, and bold. i want to sacrifice to know how it feels to give up everything. i want to struggle. i want to die trying. Above all of this, i want to love. i want to love someone with more than i even have to give them. I want to run out of things to give them and show them and feel for them. i want to bleed my heart dry with love.

"now this is how it works, you peer inside your self
you take the things you like, try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made, and and stick it into some--
someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood,
and walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does, you'll just do it all again."