n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.
(The last bit of this definition—that each relationship is a double blind tasting—refers to the fact that you don't know exactly what sort of emotion you're giving to someone else, and they can't tell where it's coming from. Our thoughts and intentions are ultimately obscured behind a brown paper bag, we're each trapped in our bodies.)
I'm feeling a lot of mauerbauertraurigkeit recently. And a lot of something else that I can't find in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. The weight and blows from love lost, disappointment and subsequent self doubt have left my heart torn up and callous to kind words and easy smiles. Like most people I have trust issues. I don't trust people's word. I have to see it to believe it. If they love me they will act like it. But some part of me (my head? my heart? my pancreas?) wants to trust. The disconnect between that unidentified organ and my heart causes me to then cry. I cry because I know that when it comes down to it, I will be the one standing with my arms out ready to catch you, but you will never come, and then I'll realize I'm actually the one falling, and there will be no one below to catch me.
(The last bit of this definition—that each relationship is a double blind tasting—refers to the fact that you don't know exactly what sort of emotion you're giving to someone else, and they can't tell where it's coming from. Our thoughts and intentions are ultimately obscured behind a brown paper bag, we're each trapped in our bodies.)
I'm feeling a lot of mauerbauertraurigkeit recently. And a lot of something else that I can't find in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. The weight and blows from love lost, disappointment and subsequent self doubt have left my heart torn up and callous to kind words and easy smiles. Like most people I have trust issues. I don't trust people's word. I have to see it to believe it. If they love me they will act like it. But some part of me (my head? my heart? my pancreas?) wants to trust. The disconnect between that unidentified organ and my heart causes me to then cry. I cry because I know that when it comes down to it, I will be the one standing with my arms out ready to catch you, but you will never come, and then I'll realize I'm actually the one falling, and there will be no one below to catch me.
3 comments:
oh darling, i've totally been there. but what i've come to find out is that when you stop looking for it, start opening your heart to the very real possibility of getting hurt, and GROWING, things will fall into place. the only thing i can say is live in the moment, appreciate the time you have now to be on your own, to learn more about yourself, to take spontaneous trips to wherever you like, and allow yourself to be open to anything and everyone that come into your life. things will work out. :)
Be happy! It seems like you are always sad, and you don't deserve to be sad! You have a lot to be happy about and grateful for! Everything will work out for the best!
might i venture to suggest it's your spleen?
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